100 Ways To Annoy the Forces of Mordor
by BrazilianLOTRFan
Summary: If you find yourself mysteriously dwelling in Mordor during the War of the Ring, what can you do other than annoy the Dark Lord and his minions, by making them go through embarrassing situations? Here's a list of 100 things you can do to annoy Sauron, The Witch King, Saruman, Wormtongue, Nazgul until they regret coming out of Tolkien's head!
1. 1-5

**Hey! I loved so much my friend 101olive4u's story '100 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do On A Journey', that I decided to take a shot on that style! This will be composed of 5 one-shots per chapter and you can submit your ideas by Review or PM! **

**Here we go!**

**_1-Offer Sauron Visine at inopportune moments._**

"SAAAAUROOON! I'VE GOT YA A REALLY NICE THING!" (obviously, you have nothing 'really nice' to give him) You happily skip to his 'meditation room' and slam the door behind you. Sauron is in the middle of the room watching 'My Little Pony', surrounded by Hello Kitty dolls and wearing a yellow Telletubie costume. You conclude that he's performing his secret ritual where the lights are off so nobody can see when he cries during 'My Little Pony'. Unfortunately, when you try to come in you stumble upon a giant Hello Kitty doll. "My bad!" Even more unfortunately, you knew it was his favorite.

"What do you want?" He replies turning his head something you can swear that is 180° with his eyes fixed on you with a very unhappy expression.

"Visine time!" You exclaim while squishing the medicine right in his eye.

Sauron screams in pain and curses in Black Speech. You laugh. Ha, is there anything funnier than this?

_**2-Mock his choice in becoming an Eye. Wouldn't a Mouth or a Hand be easier?**_

Sauron is in his 'Meeting Room' trying to plan his next course of action. Of course you weren't invited. What the Dark Lord doesn't know is that as the smarty pants that you are, you always end up where he is. While he's showing a slide show to his minions, you enter the place and take a seat at the corner without Sauron noticing. The room is so huge and full of minions that he doesn't even see who enters and who leaves.

"….I say that it's best for us to join forces with Isengard and then strike-" He said, pointing to the huge screen. He still didn't notice you.

"But how are you going to strike?" You ask innocently. Sauron (fortunately) doesn't recognize your voice. "Aren't you just an Eye?"

"Shut up, Snaga." Sauron snaps, still trying to see where the voice is coming from. He's mistaking you for Snaga! Isn't it adorable?

"But Master, why didn't you become a Hand? Wouldn't it be easier? Just to go to places and grab stuff?"

"Snaga, I think that you're having too much of Zelda for one day. You should consider stopping." Sauron replies, noticeably madder at you. However, he didn't spot you yet. Maybe the huge amount of Visine clouded his vision.

"Why not a mouth? You could kiss your opponents to death!" You say, extremely happy at your brilliant idea. Sauron facepalms and you're still confused about how he managed to do that in his Eye form. Nevermind.

**_3-Knock on random bedroom doors around Mordor late at night and complain you had a bad dream._**

"Sauron!" You knock on his 'Evil Sleeping Corner''s door. You're pretty aware that's late at night, but you just don't care. "Sauron….Sauron…..Sauron…" You keep on knocking until he opens it. His face is green from his 'beauty sleep' night mascara and he's wearing Club Penguin themed p-jays. Oh, and a plushy doll of The Ring.

"What do you want? Aren't you aware that it's late at night and some of us are trying to sleep?"

"I'm pretty aware that it's late at night." You smile.

"I don't know what kind of things you do at night, but you don't need to WAKE ME UP!" Sauron is looking kind of mad. Mission accomplished.

"I think that my wellbeing is more important than your beauty sleep, because if you want to get prettier, you'll have to sleep for another Age of the world." You reply innocently.

"What do you want?" Sauron sights.

"I just wanted to inform you that the interior decoration in MY ROOM is causing me nightmares." You cross your arms. "The torture machines and chains hanging from the ceiling are absolutely out of fashion, also, the orc's cries at night don't help much."

"What do you suggest?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to tell you to change your decorator. Now I'm on my way to inform the Witch King." And with that you grab his plushy and run away as Sauron screams for his plushy.

You're no longer the one who'll have nightmares tonight.

**_4-Train his armies to sing "The Ants Go Marching One By One."_**

"The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah…" After a boring day annoying Sauron, you decide that it's time to teach some songs to his armies so they can go to war with style.

"THE ANTS GO MARCHING ONE BY ONE, HURRAH, HURRAH!" The armies reply in unison. They're out of tune and they aren't marching one by one. At least they're now singing the correct lyrics.

"Guuuuuys! You're doing it wrong! When the song says 'The ants go marching one by one', YOU HAVE TO MARCH ONE BY ONE!" It's kind of frustrating to teach an entire army to dance. Especially when they have absolutely NO talent. "Alright, from the top!"

"THE ENTS GO MARCHING ONE BY ONE, HURRAH, HURRAH!"

"NO, NO, NO! IT'S 'THE ANTS' NOT 'THE ENTS'!" After innumerous failed attempts, you finally give up, before you ripe off all of your hair out of frustration.

**_5-During secret evil plotting meetings, raise your hand and ask to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no._**

So, it's a normal day in Mordor, Sauron called everyone to his secret evil plotting meetings, and as usual, you show up uninvited. And to the Dark Lord's frustration, you seat right in his front. Don't forget that the room is HUGE.

As always, the meeting is BEYOND boring, and Sauron is deeply annoyed at you for some time now, and he still doesn't know how you ended up in Mordor. Well, you decide to take a stroll by asking to go to the bathroom. But of course, you need to do that with style.

"Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaauron!" You scream in a really whiny voice, hoping to annoy Sauron even more.

"Yes?"

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

"No."

"Whyyyyyyy?"

"Just no!"

Now you stand up and squirm really loudly. All of the orcs present at the meeting start to groan and you're pretty sure that Sauron's ears are bleeding. Even the Nazgul cover their inexistent ears.

"You know what? My idea of you to become an ear was stupid, I'm glad you're an eye. Bye bye!" With that epic ending, you run away before Sauron kills you with his death glare (obs. His eye is still red from the Visine).

**So that's the first chapter! Hope you all liked it and if you have any idea for another way to annoy the forces of Mordor, feel free to review and/or PM me!**

**Bye bye!**


	2. 6-10

**_Here we are with ways 6-10. This'll be a special Christmas chapter, since it's tomorrow. Thank you for reviewing! Thanks for WeillchsKann for giving me the 'Christmas' ideas!_**

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><p><strong><em>6-Make Mordor a Christmas paradise.<em>**

After being bored of being bored because being bored is boring, you decide that Christmas and Santa Claus are coming to town. What's better than decorating Mordor in a cute way? And Sauron will be so surprised at your decorator's skills.

You decide to take a stroll around the Dark Land to find places that need to be 'pumped up', and you come across Barad-dur. You instantly imagine it all decorated as a Christmas tree. With some green here and some glitter there, it'll be perfect!

You walk a little more around Mordor and you instantly have more ideas on how to make the Black Gate a merrier and more Chirstmanized place. With some Uruk-kai dancing and singing Christmas Carols on top of the gate, you could maybe earn some money with tourism. You're such a genius.

You go back to your living quarters to find the decorations needed to make Mordor a merrier place for the baby Uruk-kai to fulfill their dreams of Santa Claus.

Oh my gosh! Sauron can be Santa! Sauron Claus! Sauron Claus is coming to town!

After checking your MPS (Mordor Positioning Sistem), you find out that there's a Christmas decoration store not very far from where you are. What a good idea.

When you arrive at the store, you buy everything for 0.99$ and hurry up to Barad-dur to start preparations.

You can tell that Sauron will be quite happy with you.

You smile with satisfaction when you see Sauron's face.

"Barad-dur clashed with the color of your eye." You throw confetti to the air.

**_7-Tell Sauron "Wormtounge said you're looking fatter."_**

"My malevolence! I have some news for you!" You chase Sauron as he runs away from you.

After a mile or so running from you, the Dark Lord finally stops to catch his breath.

"What…is…it?"

"Wormtounge said you're looking fatter. I'm starting to agree with him because you lose your breath so easily!"

"Wormtounge said what?"

"He said you're looking fatter."

"What?"

"Aren't you listening?" Of course not. He doesn't have ears. "ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?!"

"YES!" Sauron grits his inexistent teeth. You laugh.

"WORMY SAID YOU'RE LOOKING FATTER."

"Ooooh, someone's going to die tonight!" Sauron storms off, tripping over some misplaced Christmas lights.

**_8-Tell Wormtounge "Sauron said you're looking fatter."_**

"Wormy!" You happily skip to Wormtounge's side while he's devouring a box of (Sauron's) chocolate. It was a gift from the Nazgul, since you convinced entire Mordor to hand out Christmas gifts one to the other.

"Don't call me that!" Wormy says, with his mouth full of chocolate.

"Too bad, Wormy."

"What is it?"

"Sauron said you're looking fatter."

"He said what!?"

"Is everybody deaf here or what?" You snap, staring at his box of chocolates. From your angle you can see a note from Sauron written 'No! Bad Wormy!' in a piece of his Hello Kitty paper in his sloppy handwriting. "Saurikins said you're looking fatter, which in my humble opinion is true."

"We'll see who's looking fatter, Dark Lord." Wormy is looking murderous. You back away slowly.

**_9-Then throw a Christmas party and force both to sit through it. Sitting next to each other._**

Since doing absolutely nothing for some days, you decide that it's time to throw a Christmas party, even though you have no idea what day it is.

You send cute tree shaped invitations to all of the houses around Mordor and beyond. People need to see what you've done with the decoration. You feel like crying, you're such a talented designer.

Of course, no one out of Mordor dared to show up. You wonder why. _At least there'll be more food. _

It's a good thing, because you got all of the food in the local BFC, Barad-dur Fried Chicken and some of it you made yourself.

When your guests start to show up, you have all of the seats arranged. And guess what? Sauronkins will seat right next to Wormy. You smile at your evil ideas.

"Sooo, where's my seat?" Sauron asked, still wondering why he even bothered showing up on your little 'Christmas party'.

"Here, right next to Wormy. I hope that there's no hostility between you two, if there is, feel free to throw yourselves out of the window." You scold Sauron. "And by throwing yourselves out of the window, you land right on Mount Doom".

Right as you expected, Wormy was the next to show up. You showed his seat.

"Can't I seat somewhere else?" He asked.

"No." You decide, with an evil smile on your face, as you go help one of the Wraiths with their horses.

During the meal you ordered, neither Sauron nor Wormy spoke with each other. Also, neither of them ate your food.

Good, because everyone who did got food poisoning. Oooops.

**10-_For Christmas, get him some more Visine. Claim his stock is almost over._**

When everyone in your party is handing out their gifts, you, got something pretty special to your favorite Dark Lord. Forget about Darth Vader, Voldemort or any other 'Dark Lord'. The one and only is Sauron, and you must give him something special.

You wrapped the box of medicine in some Hello Kitty themed wrap paper. It's worth pointing out that you can't wrap a gift well.

"For you!" You smile at the Dark Lord, handing him the box.

"What must it be?" Sauron looks kinda happy as he shakes the box. Not for long.

When he opens the box, his inexistent smile fades when he sees the Visine.

"More?" He asks.

"Your stock was almost over!"

"How come? It's over 9000!"

You sight. Some people don't seem to be happy with anything. And Sauronkins must be one of those people.

Lame.

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><p><strong>That's it! I hope you enjoyed! Do you have any ideas for this list? Send me a review andor a PM!**

**Bye and merry Christmas!**


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